It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
