my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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