I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
