Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong