could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
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She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
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sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something