I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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