I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
