I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
