Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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