it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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