and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
