Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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