My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I checked into jail on foursquare
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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