debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
