well I can't set my house on fire every night
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
