Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
