It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
