why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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