The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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