How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
