you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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