john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
