Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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