so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I just threw up on my dentist
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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