I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
