He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
