Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I see more hoeing in ur future
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
