Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
