I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
