You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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