talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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