I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think a kid would responsible me up
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
