I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
