He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
someone threw a dead crab at me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
