Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
