Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
