A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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