if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
