I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I still have a little drunk in my system
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
