Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
