So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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