when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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