hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
