Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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