got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
