it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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