I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
