Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
