no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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