he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
