I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
