I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
