Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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