The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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