I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
