you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
