i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
