The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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