I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
