I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
